Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Shutting Off the Phones

When your husband is deployed, your internet and telephone become your life lines. At least, they were for me. Once, during one of my extremely stressed-out, can't-take-anymore moments, my husband asked me to do one small favor for him: turn off the phone, and go to sleep. It seems like a simple request. But, for me, it was terrifying. How could I completely shut off my one and only connection to the man I love, my partner, my best friend? What if he needed me? How would I live with myself if something happened to him and I wasn't able to take his call? But, I did as he asked, and it turns out that it was exactly what I needed. Sometimes, in order to be truly connected, all we have to do is disconnect.

This is the letter I wrote to him that night. . .

My Love,

Thank you. Thank you for hearing me rant and cry—again. I’ve kept my promise—the phone has been off all day. And you’re right, it does feel like a weight off of my shoulders. Or, as you put it, a monkey off of my back. I do keep thinking that I need to check it—just to make sure you’re ok. But, then I remember that it’s the middle of the night there, and hopefully you’re sound asleep.

I promise you that I’m going to work on feeling better. I did relax today, although you were also right about me not napping. I didn’t sleep, but I did lie on the couch for a while. Then I thoroughly vacuumed the carpet and stairs (yes, that’s therapeutic for me) and made some grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner (comfort food). I’ve made myself focus on all of the good things in our lives. And there are so many good things. I’m already feeling a lot better.

I didn’t realize I was relying on the phone so much, mostly as a connection to you. I always try to have it right by me, so I can always answer when you call. But, I think always being tied to the phone made me a little resentful. Not toward you of course, but because all I ever get to hold on to is the phone—and not you. Of course, that’s not your fault, and it’s not mine, it’s just the reality of deployment. I really do think that not being able to touch you is part of what gets me so down. I know you understand, and I know we’re both going through the same thing. I love our webcam dates and phone calls. But, after a while, I start to get upset because all I really want is a hug. (Ok, I want more than that, but a hug would work).

I’m not telling you any of this to make you feel bad. And I really hope that I’m not. Because what I really want to tell you is that you’ve once again made me realize how lucky I am. I have a great life. Most of all, I have a supportive, wonderful husband who always knows how to make me feel better. Thank you for that, baby. Really. I hope you feel like I’ve been here for you, too. I want us to always support one another. Because no matter how crazy life gets, as long as we can be here for each other, and make each other smile, we can get through anything.

And although I really do wish you were here, so I could touch and kiss and hug you again, I will focus more on all of the great things that we are able to share, even from far away. We can still share our thoughts and dreams and fears and days, and we can still make each other smile. That will get us through everything. And one thing I know for sure is that no matter how hard it is to be away from you—you are definitely worth waiting for.

I’m going to get some workout time in to unwind, and then get to bed early. But, before I sleep, I’m going to say a prayer, and thank God for sending me you. And then I’m going to send you a big, warm hug and kiss. I know you’ll be able to feel it…just like I can feel you thinking about me.

I love you. And I’m so grateful for our family, for our love, for our bond…for you. And I always will be.

Loving you more than ever.
Your proud and grateful wife

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing this Pam. :-) Really really beautiful. I'm so glad you guys have each other. You totally deserve one another.