Embracing Change

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

Our lives are rarely constant. We experience changes all the time--changes in jobs, assignments, home life, friends, security. My life has recently changed in many ways, some anticipated and some frighteningly new, but all exciting in their own ways. Previously, I may have let these changes scare me, but not anymore. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Plus, it's a new year and a great time for new experiences. So, I'm greeting these changes with alacrity and hope for amazing new adventures. I hope that in 2011, we can all embrace change and allow it to help us grow, and blossom. What changes are you experiencing this year? And how will you embrace them?

Enough Already!

Today, it has been exactly two months since I’ve had full-time employment. It’s been two months since I had to get up early, find heels that matched my slacks, and make the drive to work. Well, to clarify, I still have to get up early. But, now, I’m waking up early to wake up my family, prepare sack lunches, and make sure everyone has breakfast. And then, I stay home, often in sweatpants. I, like so many others, used to dread the Monday morning alarm. I worked too many hours and had too much stress. I looked forward to Saturdays and the rare day off. Putting on a pair of sweats felt heavenly. But, now, it feels restrictive. I want to put on heels that match my slacks. I’ve been tempted to wear heels while doing laundry or vacuuming, but it seems silly, and potentially dangerous. The first month was ok. I was busy getting the house unpacked, getting my daughter settled in school, and getting familiar with our new surroundings. Plus, my husband was on leave, so we relished our time together, just the two of us. I enjoyed being at home during the holidays. Being able to spend every day with the kids and not have to worry about day camps while I was busy working was wonderful. I didn't miss out on any of the special moments we shared, and for that, I'm very grateful. But, now, I’m ready to be back--back at work, back in my career, back out in the world with everyone else. I’m not completely sedentary. I’ve been keeping busy with freelance writing gigs and teaching online courses. I have plenty to do around the house, still getting it in order after our move. But, it’s just not enough. Or, maybe it is enough, but I just don’t feel like I’m enough, without my career, that is. I’d like to think I wasn’t defined by my career. But, I have to admit that it was a huge part of who I am, a huge part of my strength, my independence, my feeling of success as a woman. I need that back. And while I realize that many people have been without work much longer than I, I truly feel like two months is enough. I have a few possibilities on the horizon, and I am confident that the right opportunity will present itself soon. And I’m sure that, when it does, I will once again long for a day off, a day to just wear sweats. But, today, I just feel like it's been long enough.

Having Your Own

Recently, I was speaking to a woman, an Army wife, who was telling me about how difficult it was for her to meet friends at her husband’s last duty station. They didn’t hold many activities for spouses—no FRG, no family events--so, she spent the entire two years that she was there without a single friend. She would stay at home with her children during the day, anxiously awaiting her husband’s arrival home from work, so that she would have an adult to speak to. She did, on occasion, speak to family and friends in other states, but never had a friend to actually talk with in person. Not only did this make me incredibly sad for her, but it made me wonder how many other women are in similar situations. Military spouses are especially susceptible to this, due to the frequent moves, isolation, and lack of resources, including often sharing one vehicle. But, I think that all women risk falling into this rut. It's a rut of only becoming friends with your husband’s friends’ spouses or your children’s friends’ parents, of building your life entirely around your husband and children, and therefore never having anything of your own. That, to me, is tragic.

I believe it is crucial for a woman to have her own—her own money, her own friends, her own interests, and her own life. Let’s start with probably the most controversial of these: Money. Now, I will admit that my husband and I have joint accounts. But, I also have a savings account that is completely my own. In the beginning of our marriage, I insisted on keeping things separate. This had nothing to do with a lack of trust in him, but more to do with my own sense of security. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my first marriage ended badly. I was in my second year of law school when my then husband drained all of our accounts and moved out. I was left to figure out a way to pay the rent and support myself and my four-year-old daughter, with no money in the bank. It was hard, but I made it. And I vowed that I would never again be vulnerable to having that happen. Now, I know many of you are saying, “but, my husband would never do that.” And hopefully you’re right. But, I can tell you that I would have said the same thing back then. And now, although I fully trust, respect, and love my husband with all my heart, I know that I still have to be able to stand on my own two feet, with my own money. Even if we are together forever in perfect health, as I certainly hope, I wouldn't feel complete without my own sense of security. I have my own career and know that I am fully able to support myself. My husband knows that I have my own account. And of course, if we were in a bind (as we were at the end of last year with the sale of our home), that money becomes our money. Ultimately, it’s about our well being, not just my own. But, it’s something I have for myself. I’m not advocating for keeping secrets. It is perfectly fine (and advisable) for a woman to keep her own savings account and her husband to know about it. He shouldn’t have a problem with it. And if he does, you may have more issues to address. But, that's another blog.

Second, let’s discuss friendships. There is no reason that a military spouse who relocates to a new area should have to limit her circle of friends to only other military spouses. Yes, they are the most logical connections to make, and often the easiest. But, there are so many other women in your area with whom you could build a connection, and eventually, a friendship. I have friends from elementary school, high school, college, previous jobs, and just random events I've participated in. I enjoy meeting spouses of my husband’s friends, and have made some great friends that way. But, I also need to have my own friends, who I have met on my own, and who I have something else in common with. For stay at home moms, there is no reason that your circle of friends should be limited to the parents of children in the playgroup. Yes, it’s great to spend time with other moms, especially when your children are friends. But, there are incredible women out there whose children may be younger or older than yours, or who may not have children at all. By limiting your circle, you are missing out on getting to know some phenomenal people. If you don’t work, it may be hard to meet other women, but there are definitely ways. Join a book club, volunteer somewhere a few hours a week, meet your neighbors…anything. There are so many friends-to-be just waiting for you to venture out and meet them. And with each new person you meet, you will learn and your life will become enriched. Which, of course, benefits your family as well.

And finally, it is important for a woman to have her own interests, hobbies, and career. I'm not saying that you have to work outside the home to be independent. If your children are young, and you and your partner have decided that you will stay home with them, that’s wonderful. Spending time with your children is the most valuable experience you will ever have. But, once they’re in school, you should be able to cultivate your own interests and career as well. And, even while they’re at home, there are ways that you can keep your interests and career alive. You can take online courses, work part-time from home, or even just volunteer a few a week. Find a cause or issue that’s important to you and find an agency that needs help. You’ll feel good because you’re doing something good, you’ll build skills that can enhance your resume, you’ll meet new people (aka, friends), and most importantly, you will be doing something for YOU. I know it seems like there’s already not enough time, but finding a way to do something for yourself is just as important as taking care of your family. And being invested in something that interests, and is important to, you will greatly enrich your life, and your sense of self.

I would ask every woman reading this blog these simple questions: How do you define yourself? And what do you have in your life that is just for you?

If you struggle with these questions, or all you can come up with is that you are a wife and mother, or you have a favorite TV show that you watch every week, it’s time to venture out. It’s time to find your own something, anything. Your husband and children may be anchors in your life, but they should not be your entire ship. So, get out there, make friends, find new interests, and develop your own resources. I think you'll find that there are few things more rewarding than truly having your own.

7 Things to Start Saving For on January 1st

With the hustle, craziness, and expense of the holidays barely behind us, saving may be the last thing on your mind. But, as America falls more and more in debt, and many people are still plagued by un- or under-employment, saving has never been more important. And what better time for a fresh financial start than the new year?
Here are a few things that I believe every family (including my own) should start saving for, if you haven’t already, on January 1.

1. Christmas presents for next year. How much did you spend on your children, friends, and family this year? Was it painful to look at your December bank statement? First, before you even begin saving, it’s important to set a realistic budget for gifts. If your children are anything like mine, they are done playing with their gifts shortly after they’re opened (and, if they’re anything like my youngest son, they’ve probably started playing with the boxes). Be purposeful about the gifts you give, and ask your family to do the same. Once you’ve developed your budget, divide that number by 11 (January-November) and you’ll know how much you need to save each month to prepare. Then, once December comes along, you won’t have to stress over where the money is coming from. It will already be there, waiting for you to spend!

2. Family vacations. Whether you’re planning to take a weekend camping trip down the street or a weeklong trek across Europe, vacations cost money. Once again, budgeting is essential. There are numerous websites and resources to help you save money on vacations, so use them. Think about when you want to go, where you want to go, and how much you can afford. Then, divide the expense by how many months you have until the big trip. So, for example, if you’re planning to take a family cruise in July, and you’ve discovered that it will cost about $2,400 (after doing diligent research), then you know you’ll have to save $400 per month in January-June. It may sound like a lot, but it won’t hurt as much as charging the expense and paying interest on it later.

3. Summer camps. Even if you stay home with your children, I am a big believer in summer day camps. My children have attended amazing camps—everything from horseback riding to jewelry making to martial arts. It’s a great way to keep your kids’ minds engaged while school is out, and also helps them learn new skills and make new friends. But, these camps can be expensive, so plan early. You certainly don’t have to fill up their entire summer, and probably shouldn’t. But, you should aim for at least a couple of weeks of fun, interesting, and challenging camps. Most camps will release their schedules by March. But, you can get an idea of what camps your children would be interested in, and how much they will cost, by looking at the camps’ fliers from last summer. Prices usually don’t go up by much, but just to be safe, plan for about a 10% increase. You should also look into any scholarships that may be available. Many camps offer sliding scale fees or scholarships, such as some for military children. I keep a summer camp spreadsheet for the kids each year (which I usually start in February) which lists the week, type of camp, location, registration deadline, and fees. The list usually starts off as a wish list and gets narrowed down to something more doable based on our financial ability that year. Once you have your camps selected, let the saving begin!

4. School clothing and supplies. Picture this: It’s August 1st. School is starting in a few days and your children need supplies. Lots and lots of supplies. Plus, the jeans that needed to be rolled up last year now make your darling son look like he’s expecting a flood. It’s time for new school clothes. But, where will all the money come from? If you’re like many families in the US, you get out your credit card to pay for all of these new-school-year expenses. But, you don’t have to. Think about how much you typically spend on supplies and clothing (again, try to find savings), and then start saving. If you typically spend $600, saving $100 per month in January-June will lessen the blow of the end-of-summer financial blues.

* Numbers 1-4 can be saved for in a short-term savings account through your regular bank. Put the money aside each month and then don’t touch it until it’s time to pay for the intended items.

5. Emergencies. Everyone needs to have an emergency fund of at least $1,000. And no, this is not the morning-Starbucks-trip fund. While I agree that coffee can, at times, be an emergency, that’s not what this account is for. This is for car repairs, busted water heaters, and sprained ankles. Because, as we all know, emergencies can and will happen. Save for this as quickly as you can, depending on your ability.

6. Independence Fund. Women, this is for you. I strongly, strongly, strongly believe that every woman needs to have her own savings account. Even if you and your spouse share bank accounts, which is fine, you should also have your own. I’m not encouraging keeping secrets. In fact, it’s perfectly fine for your husband to know about it. But, this is your money. It has nothing to do with not trusting your husband, or planning to separate, or any other negative intention. It’s about you, your independence, and your right to have it. It’s that simple. (Did I mention that I strongly believe in this?)

7. Retirement. If you aren’t doing so already, it’s crucial that you start saving for retirement now. Immediately. Today. For the military families who are reading this, please don’t depend on your military retirement. If it’s difficult to make ends meet now, imagine doing so with half (or less) of your current income. It’s not likely. And you don’t want your golden years to become your ramen noodle years, right? Everyone needs to save for retirement, no matter how secure you think your future might be. This money should be saved in a 401K, TSP, or Roth IRA that you never touch. If you can deposit it automatically from your paycheck or as an allotment, do it. And then, pretend it’s not there. Saving for retirement may be rough. But, struggling to save now may prevent you from struggling to live later.

I know this list probably seems overwhelming. But, most of us have some funds that we could save, with just a few minor lifestyle changes. Look at your budget, trim anything that you can, and then decide how much you can afford to save each month. Now, add 20%. Because yes, you can afford it. You just have to try. And, if it looks like you can’t afford to save for everything on this list, it’s time to start cutting back. If you can’t afford that family cruise, consider taking a float trip at a nearby river. If you can’t afford the amount you’d like to spend on Christmas gifts, consider making gifts or drawing names with family. And, if you absolutely cannot afford summer camps for your children, at least plan free or inexpensive activities for them, so that summer is about more than television and video games. But, no matter what, establish an emergency fund, start saving for your retirement, and put aside some money for yourself—and start doing it now. I guarantee that you’ll be glad you did. And you never know, when 2011 comes to an end, you may just look forward to saving in 2012!

Oh, What a Difference a Year Makes!

As we prepare to begin 2011, I am thinking about all the amazing changes that have happened this year. God is, indeed, very, very good!

Last year, we rang in the New Year with our family all in different locations: daughter and I in Kansas, sons in Texas, and my husabnd in Iraq. We still made the best of it. And although my husband and I were apart, we made sure to have our New Year’s kiss, via Skype. In fact we had two--one for each time zone.

This year, we are all together, and will ring in the New Year as a family, as it should be. And I'm definitely looking forward to an in-person kiss at midnight!

Last year, the snow outside our home in the Midwest was knee deep, with temperatures below zero.

This year, we’re enjoying a mild 55 degrees with plenty of sun at our new home.

Last year, I was working way too many hours and always took work home, both literally and emotionally. I loved my career and the wonderful people I worked with, but I really needed a break.

This year, our recent PCS has left me in career limbo. And although I'm nervous about this transition, I’ve enjoyed being able to be home this Christmas to focus on my family. Plus, the prospect of a career change in 2011 is very exciting!

Last year, our babies were in pre-school, first grade, and fifth grade.

This year, they’re in kindergarten, second grade, and . . . middle school! Oh my!

Last year, and for the past five years since my husband and I met, at least part of the year has been spent in a deployment or a school somewhere far away (training in 2006, Iraq in 2007-08, Iraq again in 2009-10).

We are hopeful that 2011 will be the first full calendar year that we finally spend together!

Last year, I had a laundry list of resolutions--everything from daily gym visits to contacting long lost friends. Many of them, I actually accomplished. Others, not so much.

This year, my only goal is to be a better person--spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Most of all, I just want to cherish every crazy, hectic, ever-changing moment.

How did your life change in 2010? And what are you looking forward to in the new year?

Here's looking forward to a wonderful 2011!

The True Meaning of Christmas

In the corner of our living room sits a Christmas tree. It is decorated with garland, handmade ornaments, and rainbow candy canes, which the kids are already planning to devour. Around the tree are colorfully wrapped gifts, each with a label indicating to whom it belongs. We try to keep Christmas simple for our children, avoiding all of the excess that can easily take over the holiday. But, even with gifts given in moderation, our family has much more than many could ever dream of. Many families will have no tree to decorate, no gifts to wrap, no holiday meals to gather around. And because of this, and because of the blessings we have been given, our children will learn that Christmas is about much, much more than receiving gifts.

Although we will be celebrating many of the typical Christmas traditions—sending kids to bed early so that Santa can come, waking up at the break of dawn to excited squeals, and filling our tummies with holiday sweets—our most important tradition is happening today, three days before Christmas. Today, we are taking our children to the store to buy toys--toys that they love, toys that they will not get to keep. And then we will take those toys to our local domestic violence shelter, where mothers have fled with their children in an attempt to keep them safe, often only with the clothes they were wearing.

Our children may not yet completely understand the sacrifices that these families have made, but my hope is that some day they will. And for now, we are determined to make sure that they at least understand the importance of giving. On Christmas morning, after they have opened their gifts, we will thank God for all of our blessings. I will especially thank God for sending us His son, so that our children could live in peace and grace. I will thank Him for safety and health. And I will thank Him for the ability to give. Because that, to me, is the true meaning of Christmas.

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me." Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?" And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'" (Matthew 25:35-40)

Bridging the Divide

Some of you who are reading this are military spouses, others are not. Sometimes it can be hard to relate to, or know the right things to say to, someone whose experience seems so very different from your own. But, the truth is that all of us--all wives, mothers, women--are living this experience together. We all have similar struggles. And, if we try, we truly can help one another through this journey. So, to that end, here are a few ideas.

For my civilian readers, here are the best things you can do to support your military friends:

1. Just be there to listen. Especially if your friend's spouse is deployed, listening is more important than ever. Saying how quickly the time will go by or that everything will be fine if she just stays strong and/or busy is not helpful. Let her vent, scream, cry, or whatever else she needs. And, if you're lucky, she'll do the same for you when you need it.

2. Offer to help. Last Christmas, while my husband was in Iraq, our home in Kansas was being pummeled with snow. It seemed as if I spent every free moment outside shoveling ... and shoveling ... and shoveling. Christmas morning, I peered out the window, dreading the white mess that surely had accumulated while we slept. But, I was thrilled to see that the driveway was completely cleared. Two of our neighbors had gotten up early and come over to shovel the driveway. When I tried to thank them, they said it was the least they could do for our (yes, our) sacrifice. It was truly one of the nicest things anyone could have done. And I was, and still am, incredibly grateful. It's not really the amount of work that matters, either; what matters is that you actually want to help.

3. Don’t compare a deployment to, well, anything. Once, an acquaintance told me that she understood what I was going through because her husband went away on weekend business trips a lot. I told her I was sorry that she had to go through that. But, I was thinking, “unless he is dodging IEDs in his hotel room, it’s really not the same thing.” Having your spouse thousands of miles, and several time zones away, in a war zone, in danger, is like nothing else. Sometimes people just want to be able to relate. And sometimes people really do understand parts of what we’re experiencing. But, generally, don’t compare deployments to any other experience in the world, because simply, they’re not.

4. Thank her for her service. No, not her spouse (although that is certainly appreciated as well). But, military wives deserve a thank you as well. Yes, soldiers are the ones risking their lives every day. But, spouses are still sacrificing, more than you may ever know.

Now, in case you military readers thought you were off the hook, think again. Here are a few tips for you as well:

1. Go easy on your civilian friends. They don’t understand what you’re going through because they can’t. Just like you can’t understand every aspect of their lives or experiences. But, if they’re truly friends, they love you, and they’re trying. Give them credit for that.

2. Don’t make your spouse the topic of every conversation.This one, I will admit, is hard to do. If your spouse is deployment, he is on your mind all the time. Deployments can turn otherwise independent women into mushy, romantic basket cases. But, it’s important to maintain your own interests, your own hobbies, your own friends, your own life. And your friends need to hear about more than just web cam dates and bomb scares. Your spouse is already away, your friends don’t want to lose you, too.

3. Don't assume that you have it worse than your civilian friends. Yes, the life of a military spouse is rough, very rough. Especially during a deployment, you may lose all sympathy for anything someone else may be experiencing. But, try to remember that there is always someone who is going through a more difficult struggle. Try to remember that, although far away, your husband is safe, your family is safe, your family is (hopefully) healthy, you have income (albeit small) and benefits, and many other blessings that many people go without. So, be grateful. And do your part to help others, as well.

4. Take care of yourself. (Disclaimer: All of my friends who are reading this are laughing right now, because I certainly did not follow this advice). But, I know now how very important it is. You can't truly care for your spouse or your children unless you're caring for yourself. So, let the laundry go for a day (or two), turn off the phones, watch useless TV, or, my personal favorite, have PB&J (or better yet, ice cream) for dinner, at least once. You deserve it.

Finally, everyone, avoid the temptation to judge others' lives, experiences, or behaviors. You never know what the person may be going through. We are all sisters. We all need one another. So, rather than lashing out, reach out. Imagine the strength we, as women, would have if we all supported one another. What a wonderful bridge, a wonderful existence, that would be.